Hey Everyone, first of all I just wanted to thank you all for your comments. Honestly, it seems like sometimes no one gets it like you guys do. Everyone I know is wrapped up in their own bitching, I don’t even have the energy to talk about mine. I’m tired of listening to everyone I know complain about tiny things. Like I have a lot of sick friends, and none of them have had their lives put in perspective like I have. And that is hard.
UPDATE: I wrote my surgeron’s nurse, Awesome Vicki a letter, explaining how I was pissed off. Here is what it said
I know this is not your fault, but I’m so far beyond angry. I can’t even explain it. I feel like Dr. Remzi didn’t really care about this at all, as he didn’t even tell me himself. I feel like this possibility was not even really explained to me and I was just blind sided by it. When we talked about weight in the past, I was told that it would make surgery harder on me but that it would still happen. I’m so devastated. I didn’t find a job because I had 2 surgeries, and now I could have been working the whole time. Now if I start grad school I’ll have 2 surgeries in the middle of it, not to mention that I have no clue how I’m going to pay for all of this.
I know that none of this anger should be directed at you but even if I could get ahold of Dr. Remzi at this point I dont feel like he would blink. I no longer feel like a person but just a procedure. I know he is supposed to be the best, but part of being the best is truly caring about your patients. And now I’m trapped because I dont want an ostomy forever, I can’t go anywhere else, and I can’t get rid of it any faster. This disease has taken so much of my life, and now right when I was just ready to be done with it and get my life back….I am back at the beginning. My financial situation is stressful enough, and now I have to figure out how Im supposed to lose 40 lbs in 6 months…or again..I don’t get the surgeries. I just want to give up.
She wrote back with something far less encouraging than I had expected. I was mad. I was angry that they didn’t care. But later that night my phone range and it was Dr Remzi himself calling. Clearly he had read my letter, and was upset that I felt like he didn’t care about me. I spent the whole time crying, and saying very little but he said some very nice things and explained that we are in this together. We hung up and he called back shortly after and left a message saying hi to my annoying dog and to give more encouraging words and explained that he called from his cell phone, and I was welcome to call anytime. When I start drinking more I’ll be sure to drunk dial him.
Anyway. Recovery is going really really slow, which isn’t helping me not to be bitter and angry about it. God you guys I’m still so mad, and its stupid and dramatic but I’m just sitting her balling because I’m so mad. I’m so mad that this is my life right now. Sickness after sickness and surgery after freaking surgery. I got diagnosed with MS when I was 22. I have been sick almost all of my twenties and most of the last 4 years. There has to be more to life than this….because if theres not…I dont want it. Sickness is not living. Its not even getting by. When I have to call my mom at 7 am because I need her to do my laundry and clean my kitchen, thats not living. Jesus, if I wasn’t me, I would pity me.
I have no tolerance for other people problems any more either. Like if your leg isn’t falling off, I don’t care. And it better not be just falling off it better have been blown to bits, reconstructed, and then died after they reattached it. Gosh, even in my misery I’m nothing but an asshole.
Ps. If you want to see my awesome Rectum…thank god I dont have one anymore, I hate that word, anyhoo here are the pics. Also have I mentioned that my surgeon thinks I’m a total whack job for wanting pictures of this stuff.
Butt Stump 1
Butt Stump 2
That’s one good looking rectum, my friend.
I don’t have anything constructive to say. I’d be so pissed if I were you. This isn’t cool. At all.
I used to think maybe I was Hitler in a past life, and that’s why things are so fucked up for me. But I think maybe YOU were Hitler and I was Eva Braun.
I think we need to find a release in the mind time. It won’t only help distract you, but it will also help let out the steam and burn the rage out. Something that’s exhausting and tiring. Any ideas?
Well I can’t have sex. I can’t exercise, I can’t sit up very long. So well…options are limited. Petting the dog only distracts me for so long.
Can you pet the kitty? 🙂
Sorry. I had too.
I am so sorry you have to go through this shit. (literally) Sometimes I wonder who is smarter- the patient or the doctor? I quoted you on my blog- the tolerance paragraph summed up all of the feelings I have had for the past four months.