Pardon my myspace-esque picture. At least I didn’t take it in a mirror. Also there are no duck lips or peace signs, so cut me a break.
This weight loss thing. Ugh I’m sure you’re all tired of hearing me talk about it, but its an obsession at this point really.
I made a chart of my weight for as far back as I could calcultate. I called doctors and asked them what their records were and all that jazz. I was kinda surprised at what I found. I didn’t get the stats as far back as high school or anything but I got back to 2005.
In my brain I was far thinner than the numbers say. In my brain I was far happier than what I feel about my weight now. The reality is I am 4lbs shy of my lowest recorded weight from Nov of 2007. My weight right now is 157.8. Do I have a distorted memory of what it was like back then…I mean..I wore bikinis back then…and didn’t look fat.
Am I just more motivated now? Do I care more now? Am I working for this infinite number that will never give me happiness?
I am not that girl that cries and complains about her weight and asks for empty compliments. As of today I have officially lost 40lbs exactly from when I was at my highest recorded weight.
Why does this literally mean nothing to me? I just keep looking at it like, not a big deal, not an accomplishment, not enough. I know that because I had to lose all this weight for surgery its become an obsession, and to be honest i’m thankful. I think I was borderline to giving up and ballooning. When I was 197lbs I was so depressed in life, not just weight. But here I am 40lbs smaller and it just feels like meh, aint no thang.
These last 10lbs or so that I’m trying for are really hard. Honestly I’m working my ass off for them. I work out 5 times a week min. 3 of those times are with a trainer. Yes I eat right. Yes I drink enough. But man. Its really really hard.
But here is what I’ve learned. I may not be losing the pounds I want to, but I’m losing inches, and I’m getting stronger. I’m seeing a change in what I can do, how hard I can work. I’m getting really good at pushing myself. I’m excited to keep working with my trainer right now (just worried I can’t afford it after surgery). I am worried that surgery will set me back again. Ugh. Its all a little overwhelming.
The good news is..I weigh less than I did in 2005…but not 2007…but I think I’ll get there. Its only 4lbs. I think that is my new goal. If I can get those 4 lbs, that officially means I will be where I was before I was sick. Before UC was even a thought in my mind.
Jackie – you are doing wonderful.
It can be maddening how our weight and perceptions of our weight play games with our day-to-day lives.
Be healthy – and you will be happy…or something like that 😉
Emily
Jackie – you are doing great… It must be very hard to have such a goal. I am thankful my surgeon didn’t put that requirement on me. Yes, I lost weight after the first two and even last surgery, and I am at a lower weight than before I got sick (back when I pooped once a day – boy do i miss that daily, normal, formed, hard poop!!) but I am still very depressed about my weight. I had started exercising after the last surgery, but then the whole knee arthritis thing popped up and it has been hard to even get on my feet to walk. I am thankful the weight isn’t coming back – doc said that a$$ 2.0 is kind of like gastric bypass in a way b/c we don’t absorb as much as people do with colons!
Keep up the good work and I am confident that you can do it!
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with not being totally content your current weight. I’m currently 140ish and I’m not happy about it. Not because I want to be a supermodel, but I want to be healthy and fit. I get the whole “but you look fiiine” crap and I know what I see and what I want. And I’m not sad about trying to get it. 🙂
That being said you look great!! And you should be at least proud of what you’ve accomplished, even if you want to do more. 40 pounds is a big deal!
I’m glad that you’re feeling stronger, too. That is so important! That’s what I’m hoping to get out of this program I’m currently doing. I don’t just want to drop poundage, I want to gain strength. Good luck with the rest of your goal! It’s tough to bust ass, but so worth it.
Oh, and I totally feel your pain about watching Biggest Loser (I think you mentioned it on FB). I know they only like 15 pounds in a week because they weight 300, but still. Why can’t it fall off of me, too?!
This is what I know about losing weight:
A number of years ago I offered myself up for my daughters’ Science Fair project.
Topic: Does Smoking Affect Blood Pressure? Obviously, I was a smoker at that time
and I quit in order to be the guinea pig. We measured BP for 2 months while I continued to smoke, then for 2 months after I quit. One of the side effects of smoking cessation, at least in my case, was weight gain. A total of 25 pounds worth of pleasant plumpness.
So, the following year’s project: Does Weight Loss Affect Blood Pressure? We measured my BP as I went on a diet for 4 months. I did lose the weight, but was miserable the whole time.
“They” say that quitting smoking is as hard as getting off heroin but for me, as I think back, I consider
dieting to be a harder thing to do than to quit smoking.
I learned 3 things:
1. BP did drop during the smoking cessation and went up during the diet.
2. The last few pounds that you want to shed are the hardest, only because you’re so close to the goal.
3. Also, after a prolonged diet, your first meal back should not be chili verde, rice, and beans……………….
Stick with it, you can do it.
P.S. You have a great blog and an outstanding sense of humor.
Jackie I’m kinda jealous! I have the exact opposite problem… I eat and exercise as much as I can but tend to run out of energy because of the MS. I cannot hit goal weight of 140ish hell I can’t maintain a decent weight. I now weigh 25lbs less than I did when I was is HS and I was exactly where I should’ve been! I guess the whole point of that tangent was don’t stress about it till you are all done and can develop a routine, your body will eventually settle down when all of the changes are done.