I can’t believe I’m about to write this. Seriously. But I figured hey, I mortify myself to make you all feel better.
I had my first ostomy snafu the other day. Almost a couple weeks ago now…and I almost forgot about it because I pretty much wanted to die. But oh no…I remember it now.
rawr
It was May 1st. The sun was shining, and it was warm. The scene was set for a beautiful day at the ballpark with my mom, grandma and boyfriend. We were havin a rockin’ good time. We got there, got to our seats, which were just along
the 3rd base line. Wonderful. Before we sat down, we went and got some delicious giant slushy drinky thing with copious amounts of alcohol in them. Life was good. Then life got better. Because….wait for it…I ATE A HOT DOG. ZOMG. Best day EVAR. I have never ate one so slow, or in such tiny bites but I ate it nonetheless. And I LOVED it.Anyway the day was a great day. The Tigers were winning, I was getting fried in the sun, I had a delicious weiner, and I was pretty tipsy from my drink. It gets to be time to go and I decide, you know, I’ve got some air in this little bag of mine, I should empty it before my 30 min trip home. So I walk into the ladies and this woman walks out of a stall and prefaces me with “There is some water on the floor in there, at least I hope its water, but its not from me”. And I’m all, ok lady I wasn’t gonna think
everyone looks this hot on the toilet
you peed on the floor but whatevs.
So I get in there, and I get all my jazz down and ready to empty, and I dont know what happened. Seriously, other than the confirmation that God hates me, it was a fluke. I always open the bag, empty the air, and then tip it downwards into the bowl, simple enough. Well this time, the poo took on a life of its own and jumped in a fit of joy out of my bag…
I know.
So here I am, liquidy gross ugly poo all over the toilet seat, and the floor and to top it off…ON MY PANTS. Fuck. Double Fuck. So what do I do. I think I cried for about 5 seconds, and I literally had a pep talk with myself. “Ok jackie, this isn’t that bad. It could be worse. Don’t freak out. How can you fix this?”
I realized I had NO way of getting around this but by some fancy grace of fate, the poo I spilled was only on my waist band and a spot right on my ass. So I cleaned off the toilet seat so I could atleast stand up. And I tried to get some off the pants but that was just not happening. I was also wearing khakis…totally noticeable. Then I
had a lightbulb/mcgyver moment. I remembered I was wearing 2 shirts. So I tucked one into my pants, to cover my back so I didn’t have to touch the poo…then I pulled the top one down to cover the back of the waist band. The spots on my ass were doomed so I just figured people would just think I sat in something on my seat..totally plausible. My biggest fear was stinking on the ride home and it like soaking into my car seat. I assure you neither happened. And I played it totally cool. I had my freak out in the stall, and put on my awesome face the whole ride home. No one would have known, no one does know. Its just a secret between me and you internet.So what did I do about the poo on the ground? Well since the ground was already wet and the only weapon I had was crappy ballpark single ply toilet paper….I totally left it. GROSS I know, but what was I supposed to do? So I walked out and told the chick in line…theres something on the floor in there, its not from me….
(ps. Don’t google “gross”. Ever)
Did you have any ostomy disasters?
It could have been worse. Like your exploded in an orphan’s face. See??
OMG The things we go through!!
I had a clip give up the ghost as I was walking once… OMG, gross! And I had a flange pull away (and had no spare) when I was eating at the Rainforest Cafe. I flew home at about 70 MPH, but the mess… oh the mess….
I just got my bag a week ago, so reading all of these stories are really helpful, I guess to see what can happen and get advice on how to handle it. I think yours is awesome, the way you handled the situation was amazing and gave me a lot of good advice, even though I hope it never happens, if it does I will know what to do. And leaving it on the floor, “totally” why touch it if you don’t have too, someone will come in and clean it up, you just created job security. Thanks again!!
Brandie,
Thanks! Also check out jpouch.net if you ever have any questions. Everyone there is AWESOME and full of great info.
Sorry that happened but I dig the creativity! Note to self: always wear two shirts. You just never know when that extra one will come in handy. =)
It must be Comerica Park. It happeend last season to me. I was also sitting on the third base side…. coincidence?
Go Tigers.
ps.. to many ‘disasters’ to tell. In the heat of the “moment” it doesn’t seem funny but looking back about a hour afterward I really do have to laugh about it.
I now hate Comerica Park. …not really. but it was awful. Its a good think I was just buzzed enough…because otherwise I would have been too drunk and would’ve cried or would have been too sober and would have cried.
Thank you large awesome alcoholic slushies.
I’ve enjoyed a few of those 180 octane slushies a time or two. The worse venue for an ostomy (and for that matter bathrooms) is the Joe.
One of my “moments” was a block party. It was in the mid afternoon. Everyone there had already been drinking for about.. oh I would say 5-6 hours. I was filling up water balloons for the kids. Then a douchebag (drunk and pretty much pissing everyone off all after noon) jumps on my back and punched me in the side of my face. I quickly flipped him over my shoulder and basically body slammed him to the ground and kept him down till he calmed down. I glanced at he ground and noticed my clip was lying on the ground. My heart SUNK. I knew I had a half a grocery bag full “in queue.” I looked down to my shorts and leg and I didn’t see any mess. I took my knee of he guys back and noticed it got all over his lower back and rear end. It looked like he shit himself. I quickly grabbed my clip. grabbed the end of my bag, put it back on, and did a minor cleaning with the garden hose, and quickly walked away from him. The circle of friends that know about me knew what happened but everyone else thought he shit himself. He got laughed and heckled and finally left… I was the hero of the day.
Oh my yes! One was at my house, but it was such a fucking disaster. I was in my old apt. in the small guest bathroom (b/c someone was in MY big one). So I go to unroll the bag, and it’s full so I lose my grip and shit goes all over the fuckin floor. And it’s the original tile floor from a Victorian house-so it’s the teeny tile. That was fun to clean up. I think I just sat on the toilet and whispered swear words for a minute until I got the composure to get up and clean up my shit. ha.