Ok guys we’ve got a lot to talk about. My eyes still really hurt so I’m not sure how much of this I’m going to be able to get out. First, I’ll say that I will respond to all of the comments you guys have left when I can.
(Update: As of Friday May 13, I would say my eyes have come back like 85%. Its amazing to see again)
Also, I must be some kind of marketing genius…who knew the suicide blog post would get me the highest hit counts and subscribrs I’ve ever had.
But heres is what I really want to talk about. I have never bullshitted you guys. I’ve always told you the details no matter how gross or uncomfortable. This is no dffferent.
The last few weeks have been hard, I’ve had those thoughts slowly creeping into my head but I still had control. After this MS attack, everything went out the window. Being back on prednisone and having that affect my sleep like it does, really sent me through a loop. I started laying awake at night thinking about my future and how it really seems like there is no future. I would write mental notes to my family and friends. I made plans for my house, my dogs, my possessions, my debt so that way my death would be less of a burden than my life has been. I planned out how I would die. I had two methods in mind. I have oodles of heavy pain killers I could’ve taken but I was worried it wouldn’t work. There is no “attempting suicide”… it was going to work. I also own a gun. There was a sick level of control knowing that I could choose to end my life if I wanted to.
Also it is often said that suicide is a selfish option and an easy way out. Well I’m telling you right now,there is a level of comfort knowing all of your worries could be over in one trigger pull. But…this is not easy Thinking about my family, aftermath and planning this was not easy. I had even considered where I would want to die, so my family wouldn’t discover me or have to do clean up. You’re not supposed to talk about this stuff. But this truth is I wanted to shoot myself in a place where no one knew me, loved me, or cared about me. I didn’t want to scar my family with seeing my dead body, emptying out the house I died in, ect. It is not that killing yourself is hard. It is planning for it that was hard.
I have talked many times to people who have previous told me “how strong” I am that I have this theory. When bad things happen to you, you get to a certain point where you have two options. You’re going to kill yourself…or pull yourself out of it. I understand why people choose not to pull out of it. I have not gotten to this point before, though I thought often about how easy it would be to “give up” it was never to this level. But I hit it. So now Im here, making the smallest baby steps to get out. I left my house yesterday. I made phone calls. I went to see my docor and I’m meeting with a therapist , as technically I am a suicide risk. I did more yesterday than I have in a week and it was hard. It was hard to get up, and make phone calls. I didn’t/dont want to. But I know it makes a difference. I hate being a statistic in this. You’re not supposed to say that, but Im mad I could not outsmart this. I was not strong enough to just deal with it all in stride. I am disappointed in myself. Im angry that my life consists of retraining my eyes to see , and that it takes me a whole day to make a one minute phone call…and THAT is considered an accomplishment.
As a young adult there are certain things you plan for yourself. I mean, these things change, but I never expected being a 26 yr old legimate suicide threat. I always thought I was smarter than this. but Im not. Im not better than those people who actually go through with it, but perhaps my overthinking is what might have saved me this time. I couldn’t just peace out on my life and leave ends untied. I wasn’t even debating my life in my planning, but the time it took to think about my bank accounts, and delegating objects, and things like that…takes time. Distributing your own “estate” takes time. I may have been “selfish” enough to want to die, but I wasn’t selfish enough to leave a mess.
Yesterday I met with a new therapist. She wants me to see a psychiatrist to get on medication which I have no adversity to. She wanted me to do inpatient work. At this point in my life, more time in hospitals, without freedom I feel would do more harm than its worth. I will be meeting with her 2 times a week for a while to try to get my life under control again. Baby steps. Eh, more like toddler steps.
So until I can give more updates/comment responses….thank you. I’m not going to lie and say you guys saved my life, but it was nice knowing that people, random people out there in internet land, cared.
“I may have been “selfish” enough to want to die, but I wasn’t selfish enough to leave a mess.”
Man, if we ever met, i’m sure we’d get on – but i know that a lot of people reading this feel the same way, and feel that they ‘know’ you through your writing, both here and at MSunderstood.
Sending as much love as is possible via a keyboard without it getting weird xxx
I loved this comment.
I wrote this whole long response to your update, tried to post it and the stupid computer lost it because I didn’t ‘sign in’ first.
Maybe it that is what was supposed to be… I am a little emotional.
Know this, you are so brave to even speak all this out loud let alone post your darkest thoughts for the world to read. You amaze me with your honesty and the pure raw-ness of your feelings.
You are an inspiration to many and I do believe that someone who might share your same feelings might hold on one more day because of your courage~
I’m not good at giving out advice and saying stuff to people so i will keep it short. We are all here for you and I will keep you in prayer and also our prayer group. Glad you’re doing better.
I just wanted to reach out and tell you to hang in there. I understand where you are now and how it feels. I’ve been abused throughout my childhood, drugged and raped, sexually assaulted as a teen a second time, stalked by a threatening stalker, born with a moderate hearing loss, became completely deaf a age 13, supported myself from age 17 and up on my own and through college, lost my mother a few days prior to giving birth and never got to say good-bye, almost died from intestinal complications and also endured multiple surgeries which has resulted in chronic pain and a pouch from hell.
I am sharing this because I want to assure you that I know what it feels like to be at the end of your rope, and to hang in there.
Hanging on doesn’t have a cotton-picking thing to do with srength. To be honest, we are all very weak creatures though folks like us are stronger in many ways.
It has to do with COURAGE. You know, that little voice at the end of a day full of epic failures which simply says, “I will try again tomorrow.”
It takes courage to take another breath, walk another step, to ride out the storm and wait for better times. The better times, though it is very hard to see right now, will certainly come in their own time. You are NOT a broken person. Your body has been put through quite a lot but on the inside you are this amazingly intelligent, witty, hilarious, kind, deep and very much loved person.
I wrote this toast on my blog with you in mind:
It takes an extraordinary amount of courage, strength, and sheer iron will to truly LIVE and embrace each day, no matter what your belly throws at you. Whatever your walk is in life, and wherever your walk takes you, may you always take a moment to realize what a remarkable woman you are. CHEERS!
Put one foot in front of the other and hang in there.
Without sounding like an asshole, every time I learn something new about you, it makes me feel like a dick for complaining. I don’t know you personally, but I read your blog and you are one of the strongest women I think this earth has ever seen. And I’m not saying like “oh youre so strong for what you’ve been though”, because frankly we dont get a choice. But you are strong because you are fighting to have the life you want. Fighting for yourself, and your son and future children. I admire that you are doing what you can to get what you want, regardless of all of the shit you’ve been handed.
You mentioned in your blog, something along the lines of having a broken body but still being able to create life, and what an accomplishment that is/was. While I don’t want to have kids, I can appreciate that you’re willing to push your body. When my body pushes back, I tend to give up. Its hard to have a body that doesn’t want you.
This is a random response, but lets just say I really admire you, and if there were words to express compassion for your recent struggles, I would say them.